- Anonymous man
the first time, you can walk all over them for years
MEN ARE LIKE ... Bank Accounts, without a lot of
money, they don't generate Much interest
MEN ARE LIKE ... Blenders, you need one, but you're
not quite sure why
MEN ARE LIKE ... Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and
they usually head right for your hips.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Coffee, the best ones are rich,
warm and can keep you up all night long.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Commercials, you can't believe a word they say.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough
memory.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Coolers, load them with beer and
you can take them anywhere.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Copiers, you need them for reproduction,
MEN ARE LIKE ... Curling Irons, they're always hot
and always in your hair.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Government Bonds, they take so long
to mature.
MEN ARE LIKE ... High Heels, they're easy to walk on
once you get the hang of it.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Horoscopes, they always tell you
what to do and are usually wrong.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not
all that bright.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Mascara, they usually run at the
first sign of emotion.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Parking Spots, the good ones are
already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped
for a little while.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Place Mats, they only show up when
there's food on the table.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Snow Storms, you never know when
they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long
MEN ARE LIKE ... Used Cars, both are easy-to-get,
cheap and unreliable.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Bank Machines, once they withdraw
they lose interest.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Newborn Babies, they're cute at
first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.
MEN ARE LIKE ... Crystal, some look real good, but
you can still see right thru them.
Women are like....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Women are like...the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.
Women are like...horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.
Women are like...parking
meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.
Women are like...refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.
Women are like...country
western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll
get depressed and drink a lot.
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one
day he
just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into
the beer vat and drowned. The Foreman thought it should be his job to inform
the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang
the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your
poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and
drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time,
between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "Knowing Pat Murphy like I
do, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the
men's room."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know
what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a
rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the
moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it reached the last number and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman
stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your
Mother".
Ineffective
Daily Affirmations:
* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
levels of suspicion and paranoia.
* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones
that are someone else's fault.
* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself.
Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have
no personality at all.
* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.
* The first step is to say nice things about myself. The
second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find
someone to buy me nice things.
* Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into
knots.
* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself
with imaginary fears.
* Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to
incessant nagging?
* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for
there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the
problem.
* Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day
watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
* Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a
minute... I'll find someone.
* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people
I can laugh at.
* The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend
I am not home.
* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it
look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
* I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing
to learn from them.
This is a story about four people
named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would
do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.
Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody
wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could
have done!
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were
used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
I AM THANKFUL...
...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am
employed.
...for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded
by friends.
...for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to
eat.
...for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that
need fixing because it means I have a home.
...for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have
freedom of speech.
...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am
capable of walking.
...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I
can hear.
...for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I
have been productive.
...for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that
I am alive.
...for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are
thinking of me.
Signs you live in 2002
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat, he emails you
back from his bedroom.
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her website.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can
create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the
screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6-months later it is out of date and now sells for
half the price you paid for it.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first
20-50 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a
hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back
seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have
e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
This is a VERY simple way to understand the tax laws.
Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten
comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go
something like this.
The first four men, the poorest would pay nothing; the fifth would pay $1;
the sixth would pay $3; the seventh $7; the eighth $12; the ninth $18; and
the tenth man, the richest would pay $59.
That's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day; the owner threw them a curve (in tax language a tax cut).
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So now dinner for the ten only cost $80.00.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share?"
The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and
the sixth man would end up being PAID to eat their meal. So the restaurant
owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the
same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
So the fifth man paid nothing, the sixth pitched in $2, the seventh paid $5,
the eighth paid $9, the ninth paid $12; leaving the tenth man with a bill of
$52 instead of his earlier $59.
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to
eat for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their
savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man, but he,
pointing to the tenth. "But he got $7!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the
fifth man, "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got seven times
more than me!" That's true!" shouted the seventh man, why should he get $7
back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!" Wait a minute,"
yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. The
system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The
next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without
him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered, a little late
what was very important.
They were FIFTY-TWO DOLLARS short of paying the bill! Imagine that!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college instructors, is how the tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore.
Where would that leave the rest? Unfortunately, most
taxing authorities anywhere cannot seem to grasp this rather straightforward
logic!
T. Davies Professor of Accounting &Chair, Division of Accounting and Business
Law The University of South Dakota
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our new program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. in the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and your supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take the D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST OF LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T.).
Call 865-584-6677